Thursday, January 5, 2017

Something Personal.

Some things just don't work out. I don't think it's luck, not sure if I believe in it. For me, everything good has always had a twinge of melancholy to it. They say that how things are finite makes them more beautiful, but I'd like one beautiful thing to last for me. One small thing that I can rely on lasting. Having nothing to lean on makes you a strong stander, but eventually your legs will give out. There is no time to rest when you're on your own in today's world. So you get tired, and push on with the bare minimum. You go into relationships of convenience and not of love. You try to numb yourself, with anything you can get your hands on. This is why I understand addicts. Not that I fully understand their plight mind you, I just understand what would drive a person to start using.

I made a mistake a year ago. Maybe not a mistake.. but I lost my way. I let one person become my world because we could take turns leaning on each other. It was a very positive time for me. No medication, no loneliness, no time to worry about the small things. But I forgot that one thing, that beautiful things don't tend to hang around. Not for me at least. It made me hate her, how ruined I became without her. How I couldn't attain that same zen state I had before her. But when I think on it now.. She at least reminded me that I could care about people. I could care about life. And that zen I thought I had before, wasn't really there. So now it's back to finding a balance. God knows that just trying to replace that feeling has been making me stumble into some stupid mistakes, but one must learn in their own ways. I think seeing how easily she replaced me made me think it would be easy. But obviously, she did not feel as deeply for me as I did for her, and that's ok. I was a man who had locked himself away for a long time, so when I opened that door the feelings were intense. I cannot expect the same from others.

My journey through my own mind, connecting the broken bits back together, has been long and arduous. But maybe, with some more time, I will find the balance I never really had. I was born with faulty wiring, and maybe taking the time to tear it all out and reconnect it was what was best for me. What is best for you usually isn't what's easy.

Who knows how I will feel tomorrow, I still have my ups and downs. For today, I think I've made progress. Life won't always be good, I've seen my share of the bad. But who knows? Perhaps there will be a few more moments that will make it something beautiful, no matter how short.