Friday, March 3, 2017

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

The world never made much sense so I guess it's OK that it's falling apart. It's been unraveling since we lived in mud and shit huts. We're just better at destroying things now. Better tools for it. I honestly believe that at least my own country will be destroyed within the next 100 years. But the United States will most likely take the rest of the Earth down with it. We are selfish like that. Our entire culture is based on selfishness. I guess it's a good thing every person is allowed to be selfish, but it often comes with a cost to others. Maybe the only real question left is not how to save the world, but how to prolong its destruction. Or should we just rush to the end enjoying ourselves as much as possible? As a man who doesn't want much, I guess its easy for me to live a life with little impact. I honestly wish I had more wants. Seems everyone is having a damn good time while the world burns down around them. More power to them, its just a different point of view. Who is anyone to pass judgment on people when they are just making the most of the little time they have? Perhaps it's apathy at this point, but there's already plenty of anger around. No reason to add fuel to the fire. Being pissed off about things that will never change is pointless. Trying to censor and stop others is why Trump is president. He's at least something fun to joke about while the ship sinks.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Normal.

Well, through genetic testing and a lot of trips to a mental health clinic, I'm finally properly medicated. Turns out I've been going on for 26 years without the proper amount of dopamine being created in my brain. With the proper pills, I finally don't feel horribly depressed at all times. It's an odd experience. Here's some bullshit I wrote to process it.

Normal.

Normal,
It's something I never considered,
With the copious amount my soul has withered,
Normal,
26 years of depressed thought,
With all the wars inside I've fought,
Normal,
Something I never thought I'd be,
With all the difficulties of being me,
Normal,
No more wishing to die,
No more razors cutting my thigh,
Normal,
But still find life strange,
Never thought that I would change,
Normal,
It's an odd way to feel,
Hard to believe that this is real.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Something Personal.

Some things just don't work out. I don't think it's luck, not sure if I believe in it. For me, everything good has always had a twinge of melancholy to it. They say that how things are finite makes them more beautiful, but I'd like one beautiful thing to last for me. One small thing that I can rely on lasting. Having nothing to lean on makes you a strong stander, but eventually your legs will give out. There is no time to rest when you're on your own in today's world. So you get tired, and push on with the bare minimum. You go into relationships of convenience and not of love. You try to numb yourself, with anything you can get your hands on. This is why I understand addicts. Not that I fully understand their plight mind you, I just understand what would drive a person to start using.

I made a mistake a year ago. Maybe not a mistake.. but I lost my way. I let one person become my world because we could take turns leaning on each other. It was a very positive time for me. No medication, no loneliness, no time to worry about the small things. But I forgot that one thing, that beautiful things don't tend to hang around. Not for me at least. It made me hate her, how ruined I became without her. How I couldn't attain that same zen state I had before her. But when I think on it now.. She at least reminded me that I could care about people. I could care about life. And that zen I thought I had before, wasn't really there. So now it's back to finding a balance. God knows that just trying to replace that feeling has been making me stumble into some stupid mistakes, but one must learn in their own ways. I think seeing how easily she replaced me made me think it would be easy. But obviously, she did not feel as deeply for me as I did for her, and that's ok. I was a man who had locked himself away for a long time, so when I opened that door the feelings were intense. I cannot expect the same from others.

My journey through my own mind, connecting the broken bits back together, has been long and arduous. But maybe, with some more time, I will find the balance I never really had. I was born with faulty wiring, and maybe taking the time to tear it all out and reconnect it was what was best for me. What is best for you usually isn't what's easy.

Who knows how I will feel tomorrow, I still have my ups and downs. For today, I think I've made progress. Life won't always be good, I've seen my share of the bad. But who knows? Perhaps there will be a few more moments that will make it something beautiful, no matter how short.