Saturday, September 3, 2016

When I'm Small

So I haven't written in a long time. Perhaps I've been busy, perhaps I've been finding myself again. Whatever it is that people in their mid 20's do. So bear with me if I'm a bit rusty.

Reading through all of my old stuff has given me a kick in the ass of sorts. It seems I had forgotten how to face the world with a smile. Lost loves, lost friends, and lost hopes seem to do that. They are just a part of life but I never did do well with change once I set myself to a plan. This is why I've decided to take things as they come again. Hopefully try new things and meet new people. In my own awkward, sometimes offensive ways. For a long while now, I've allowed myself to be pulled into the very state of mind I used to rally against. Perhaps it was because I was living to please someone else, and not myself.

I genuinely want people to care more for each other in this world. Not in shallow, facebook like kinds of ways either. But to be there when shit really hits the fan. I devoted myself in this way so much to just one person, that I lost track of the world around me. So in the end when she betrayed me, it nearly destroyed me. Caring too much about just one thing can be beautiful, but dangerous.

So enough about me and my petty heartaches. Time to find some wisdom in all of this madness. I've learned to appreciate silence again. Music is dear to me but if you leave it on long enough you forget about the music of the world. Lay outside in the grass and just watch the clouds go by. Or stare at the stars. Make yourself feel small. Not in a sad way, but in a freeing way.

Looking into the sky long enough makes you realize you are just a very small part of a huge universe. That can free you. Free you of the thoughts that torture you. Of things that you thought were so god damned important. They are small. You are small. Our whole world is small in the grand scheme of it all, if there even is a scheme to it. The silence comes in because you don't want a soundtrack clouding your mind with memories and feelings that make things seem bigger. Just the moment, like so many others, and that big sky. Then once you've found that center, dust yourself off and look around. Start laughing at how absurd everyone caught in the game of life is. The big dance we all shuffle around to. See through all the manipulations and motives. See through the games and lies. See through yourself, and all the lies you've told yourself to feel bigger.

There is nothing wrong with being small. The people with big ideas complicate things while trying to make them better, which is ok for them. But us small folk, we can take the time to see and help those who need it. In our small ways. Without the judgement that comes with the game. Because we don't feel the need to be bigger.

It's hard not to get pulled into the mad dash of pride, envy, and materialism of today's world. Even for me. But if something seems too big to handle, find the sky. It's always right there above you. Laughing at all your silly little problems. Hear the silence of the universe that may not even know you're there, and never fear it.