Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Unstable.

Let's just say I wrote this one when I wasn't so cheery. Read on for sad shit.


I try the medication to make me well,
I work on my body to avoid this hell,
I write down poems of what life should be,
People have their problems and they come to me,
But I'm a man that gives advice and lives in fear,
Care for others but for myself its all unclear,
Reach out for anything to hold that's near,
To keep from falling from this cliff so sheer,
Are we all just brains in organic jars?
Are we just lemmings driving to the edge in toy cars?
How do I know my soul is even here?
Thought I heard it once but too far away to hear,
I try to inspire through love and art,
I keep building fires as they get kicked apart,
I tear down your walls and you build ramparts,
Never find my place on life's chart,
Maybe I'm destined to be an outsider,
A constantly waiting time bider,
Always there but with nothing to say,
On the edge of the group until I fade away,
Missing the piece that makes true friends,
The kind that hold on to our bitter ends,
The kind that turn with you on all life's bends,
Just and empty man with advice to lend,
Because with all my luck,
And a mind so fucked,
I've made the wrong choices,
My life has sucked,
If its all been for lessons who knew?
I'm still here waiting with no clue,
Wish with all this knowledge I knew what to do.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Lies.

Lies. We all tell them.

Some do more than others.

White lies, big lies, and downright horrible, heart-wrenching lies.

I find it hard to lie anymore. Somewhere along the way I was lied to too much and the pain of it makes me cringe when I think of doing it to others. Of course, sometimes it is necessary. Those small white lies, or the ones we tell ourselves just to remain sane. When I think back on the big ones I've told, my own self deceits seem to start unraveling on me. As if to punish me for the pain I've caused. I've caused my fair share of pain, but maybe have received it back tenfold in return. Anyways, my resolution for a long time now has been to lie as little as possible, even to myself. Still in pursuit of that simple life, to be a good man in a world full of jackals.

You lie to me,
I can see it,
You cry to me,
Throw a fit,
Do you even know?
Do you fool yourself?
Do you see how they flow?
To maintain your health?
I fear to tell you,
To break that peace of mind,
I lie to myself too,
And I'm afraid what I'd find,
If it came to a war,
Would we tear each other apart?
Would we poke at each flaw?
Break the wheels on our carts?
The ones carrying self image,
and our self deceits,
Then pull them out one by one,
and show them to the streets?
Would we have anything left,
But our own unleashed beasts?
Each exposure frees a chain,
Until they turn on us and feast,
So no I wont unravel you,
And you wont unravel me,
Because inside we all hold monsters,
That should never be set free.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Softly.

If you can't speak softly and be heard, then there may be no point in speaking at all. Sure sometimes you have to scream, in extreme moments, or loud concerts. But if you can't speak softly in quiet moments, the the people you're talking to have no intention of listening in the first place. Here's a little something I wrote about it.

I speak softly,
So I know I'm heard,
I speak softly,
Never waste a word,
I speak softly,
Because when I roar,
I speak hotly,
Say much more,
More than I wish to,
More than I should,
Spitting out venom,
I never knew I could,
So I speak softly,
And those who hear,
Are the ones who matter,
The ones to hold dear,
They aren't just nodding,
Waiting their turn,
They want to know,
They want to learn.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

When I'm Small

So I haven't written in a long time. Perhaps I've been busy, perhaps I've been finding myself again. Whatever it is that people in their mid 20's do. So bear with me if I'm a bit rusty.

Reading through all of my old stuff has given me a kick in the ass of sorts. It seems I had forgotten how to face the world with a smile. Lost loves, lost friends, and lost hopes seem to do that. They are just a part of life but I never did do well with change once I set myself to a plan. This is why I've decided to take things as they come again. Hopefully try new things and meet new people. In my own awkward, sometimes offensive ways. For a long while now, I've allowed myself to be pulled into the very state of mind I used to rally against. Perhaps it was because I was living to please someone else, and not myself.

I genuinely want people to care more for each other in this world. Not in shallow, facebook like kinds of ways either. But to be there when shit really hits the fan. I devoted myself in this way so much to just one person, that I lost track of the world around me. So in the end when she betrayed me, it nearly destroyed me. Caring too much about just one thing can be beautiful, but dangerous.

So enough about me and my petty heartaches. Time to find some wisdom in all of this madness. I've learned to appreciate silence again. Music is dear to me but if you leave it on long enough you forget about the music of the world. Lay outside in the grass and just watch the clouds go by. Or stare at the stars. Make yourself feel small. Not in a sad way, but in a freeing way.

Looking into the sky long enough makes you realize you are just a very small part of a huge universe. That can free you. Free you of the thoughts that torture you. Of things that you thought were so god damned important. They are small. You are small. Our whole world is small in the grand scheme of it all, if there even is a scheme to it. The silence comes in because you don't want a soundtrack clouding your mind with memories and feelings that make things seem bigger. Just the moment, like so many others, and that big sky. Then once you've found that center, dust yourself off and look around. Start laughing at how absurd everyone caught in the game of life is. The big dance we all shuffle around to. See through all the manipulations and motives. See through the games and lies. See through yourself, and all the lies you've told yourself to feel bigger.

There is nothing wrong with being small. The people with big ideas complicate things while trying to make them better, which is ok for them. But us small folk, we can take the time to see and help those who need it. In our small ways. Without the judgement that comes with the game. Because we don't feel the need to be bigger.

It's hard not to get pulled into the mad dash of pride, envy, and materialism of today's world. Even for me. But if something seems too big to handle, find the sky. It's always right there above you. Laughing at all your silly little problems. Hear the silence of the universe that may not even know you're there, and never fear it.