Friday, March 3, 2017
Saturday, February 25, 2017
It's something I never considered,
With the copious amount my soul has withered,
26 years of depressed thought,
With all the wars inside I've fought,
Something I never thought I'd be,
With all the difficulties of being me,
No more wishing to die,
No more razors cutting my thigh,
But still find life strange,
Never thought that I would change,
It's an odd way to feel,
Hard to believe that this is real.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
I made a mistake a year ago. Maybe not a mistake.. but I lost my way. I let one person become my world because we could take turns leaning on each other. It was a very positive time for me. No medication, no loneliness, no time to worry about the small things. But I forgot that one thing, that beautiful things don't tend to hang around. Not for me at least. It made me hate her, how ruined I became without her. How I couldn't attain that same zen state I had before her. But when I think on it now.. She at least reminded me that I could care about people. I could care about life. And that zen I thought I had before, wasn't really there. So now it's back to finding a balance. God knows that just trying to replace that feeling has been making me stumble into some stupid mistakes, but one must learn in their own ways. I think seeing how easily she replaced me made me think it would be easy. But obviously, she did not feel as deeply for me as I did for her, and that's ok. I was a man who had locked himself away for a long time, so when I opened that door the feelings were intense. I cannot expect the same from others.
My journey through my own mind, connecting the broken bits back together, has been long and arduous. But maybe, with some more time, I will find the balance I never really had. I was born with faulty wiring, and maybe taking the time to tear it all out and reconnect it was what was best for me. What is best for you usually isn't what's easy.
Who knows how I will feel tomorrow, I still have my ups and downs. For today, I think I've made progress. Life won't always be good, I've seen my share of the bad. But who knows? Perhaps there will be a few more moments that will make it something beautiful, no matter how short.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Sirens echo into the night like a banshee,
Wailing a warning to this dying city,
You always loved the worst parts of me,
But my soul's grown a lot less gritty,
Abrasive me was wearing us down,
Sanding away at our lives,
He seemed better fit for this town,
But always walking on knives,
I'm tired of being so grim,
I want a smile on my face,
Maybe one day I'll get chase that whim,
and get the hell out of this place.
Only feel safe where no one can find you,
Only feel free when there's nothing to bind to,
Only feel calm with a door to run through,
Just drifting along on a ship without crew,
A search for the place the greener grass grew,
There's wreckage in the water but no land in view,
Far from the shore and still have no clue,
That you're running from yourself,
there's nothing you can do.
We are all to blame,
We should feel pride,
We should feel shame,
Complexity of duality,
We are so alive,
Simplicity of hypocrisy,
We have lost our drive,
Its hard to hold on to even the smallest thought,
When you let go of the things that you've been taught,
Fighting yourself and all you've brought to bare,
Asking yourself why you even care,
Why would I care if I am thin?
Why would I care about wars I'm not in?
Why would I care about people I can't feed?
Why would I care if I stumble and bleed?
Why do I care when in a larger scope,
We are too small to have much hope,
Why would I care when there's so much more?
Why would I care if there is no reason I'm here for?
We tell ourselves to enjoy the ride,
We tell ourselves we are big inside,
We tell ourselves the world is small,
That life is a passage and we take the whole hall,
We tell ourselves all sorts of things,
We tell ourselves that we'll be kings,
But the king of the earth is the king of a speck,
And to be honest this place is kind of a wreck,
We know this now but we continue to lie,
We know this now but we don't want to die.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Just want to be whole and without desire,
These flames lick at my fingertips as they shoot from my heart,
Burning my bridges and lovers apart,
There's few men in this world with a solid will,
I fight to keep hold but it wont sit still,
I combust not spontaneously on the rage, love and sorrow,
Looking for a vent or extinguisher to borrow,
The light from inside me blinds my eyes,
Forgiving the unforgivable for spouting the same lies,
Empathy will be the death of me that much is true,
Understanding and kindness to those that use you,
What choice do I have when I want to be a better man?
Going slowly insane but doing what I can,
It's a rough route but someone has to take it,
The fire tries to destroy me but I still might make it,
Make it to where; I don't know,
But the burning inside is starting to show,
Charring off weight and my ability to hope,
Making me restless and unable to cope,
I want to be that rock you knew me as before,
The cracks are getting larger as the heat rises more,
Soon I may burst and send red hot shrapnel flying,
With either my soul or all that feeling dying,
Perhaps it will be both and I'll become nice and cold,
A heartless bastard with no one to hold,
But I'll always try to hold and nurse that ember,
So maybe I can feel again when my wounds aren't so tender.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
I try the medication to make me well,
I work on my body to avoid this hell,
I write down poems of what life should be,
People have their problems and they come to me,
But I'm a man that gives advice and lives in fear,
Care for others but for myself its all unclear,
Reach out for anything to hold that's near,
To keep from falling from this cliff so sheer,
Are we all just brains in organic jars?
Are we just lemmings driving to the edge in toy cars?
How do I know my soul is even here?
Thought I heard it once but too far away to hear,
I try to inspire through love and art,
I keep building fires as they get kicked apart,
I tear down your walls and you build ramparts,
Never find my place on life's chart,
Maybe I'm destined to be an outsider,
A constantly waiting time bider,
Always there but with nothing to say,
On the edge of the group until I fade away,
Missing the piece that makes true friends,
The kind that hold on to our bitter ends,
The kind that turn with you on all life's bends,
Just and empty man with advice to lend,
Because with all my luck,
And a mind so fucked,
I've made the wrong choices,
My life has sucked,
If its all been for lessons who knew?
I'm still here waiting with no clue,
Wish with all this knowledge I knew what to do.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Some do more than others.
White lies, big lies, and downright horrible, heart-wrenching lies.
I find it hard to lie anymore. Somewhere along the way I was lied to too much and the pain of it makes me cringe when I think of doing it to others. Of course, sometimes it is necessary. Those small white lies, or the ones we tell ourselves just to remain sane. When I think back on the big ones I've told, my own self deceits seem to start unraveling on me. As if to punish me for the pain I've caused. I've caused my fair share of pain, but maybe have received it back tenfold in return. Anyways, my resolution for a long time now has been to lie as little as possible, even to myself. Still in pursuit of that simple life, to be a good man in a world full of jackals.
You lie to me,
I can see it,
You cry to me,
Throw a fit,
Do you even know?
Do you fool yourself?
Do you see how they flow?
To maintain your health?
I fear to tell you,
To break that peace of mind,
I lie to myself too,
And I'm afraid what I'd find,
If it came to a war,
Would we tear each other apart?
Would we poke at each flaw?
Break the wheels on our carts?
The ones carrying self image,
and our self deceits,
Then pull them out one by one,
and show them to the streets?
Would we have anything left,
But our own unleashed beasts?
Each exposure frees a chain,
Until they turn on us and feast,
So no I wont unravel you,
And you wont unravel me,
Because inside we all hold monsters,
That should never be set free.
Monday, September 5, 2016
I speak softly,
So I know I'm heard,
I speak softly,
Never waste a word,
I speak softly,
Because when I roar,
I speak hotly,
Say much more,
More than I wish to,
More than I should,
Spitting out venom,
I never knew I could,
So I speak softly,
And those who hear,
Are the ones who matter,
The ones to hold dear,
They aren't just nodding,
Waiting their turn,
They want to know,
They want to learn.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
Reading through all of my old stuff has given me a kick in the ass of sorts. It seems I had forgotten how to face the world with a smile. Lost loves, lost friends, and lost hopes seem to do that. They are just a part of life but I never did do well with change once I set myself to a plan. This is why I've decided to take things as they come again. Hopefully try new things and meet new people. In my own awkward, sometimes offensive ways. For a long while now, I've allowed myself to be pulled into the very state of mind I used to rally against. Perhaps it was because I was living to please someone else, and not myself.
I genuinely want people to care more for each other in this world. Not in shallow, facebook like kinds of ways either. But to be there when shit really hits the fan. I devoted myself in this way so much to just one person, that I lost track of the world around me. So in the end when she betrayed me, it nearly destroyed me. Caring too much about just one thing can be beautiful, but dangerous.
So enough about me and my petty heartaches. Time to find some wisdom in all of this madness. I've learned to appreciate silence again. Music is dear to me but if you leave it on long enough you forget about the music of the world. Lay outside in the grass and just watch the clouds go by. Or stare at the stars. Make yourself feel small. Not in a sad way, but in a freeing way.
Looking into the sky long enough makes you realize you are just a very small part of a huge universe. That can free you. Free you of the thoughts that torture you. Of things that you thought were so god damned important. They are small. You are small. Our whole world is small in the grand scheme of it all, if there even is a scheme to it. The silence comes in because you don't want a soundtrack clouding your mind with memories and feelings that make things seem bigger. Just the moment, like so many others, and that big sky. Then once you've found that center, dust yourself off and look around. Start laughing at how absurd everyone caught in the game of life is. The big dance we all shuffle around to. See through all the manipulations and motives. See through the games and lies. See through yourself, and all the lies you've told yourself to feel bigger.
There is nothing wrong with being small. The people with big ideas complicate things while trying to make them better, which is ok for them. But us small folk, we can take the time to see and help those who need it. In our small ways. Without the judgement that comes with the game. Because we don't feel the need to be bigger.
It's hard not to get pulled into the mad dash of pride, envy, and materialism of today's world. Even for me. But if something seems too big to handle, find the sky. It's always right there above you. Laughing at all your silly little problems. Hear the silence of the universe that may not even know you're there, and never fear it.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Contending with depending on a system not worth defending,
Always spending time mending a fence with no ending,
Pretending we're transcending without actually intending,
Not proud or loud just heads shrouded in the clouds,
Only speaking aloud about how we're endowed,
Cowed and bowed every time we face a crowd,
Not holding to what is vowed but what is allowed,
Abhor how our lives have become bores and snores,
High scores, online stores, and never leaving our doors,
It's still wars and gore just on faraway shores,
We swore we'd explore but everyone ignores their roars.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Artists, politicians, writers,
I try to believe but the message is odd,
From these preachers, quarterbacks, fighters,
I sit in my home and send God a plea,
A hope that he will speak back,
I ask if He is pleased with me,
Are there any virtues I lack,
I don't hear a word or even a sound,
But that is for the best,
No time to tell where my soul is bound,
While He's busy watching the rest,
We are free, free of will,
To never look God in the eyes,
But He can see, the blood we spill,
He can hear their cries,
The feel of pangs,
Of hunger and thirst,
The sting of the fangs,
Of men at their worst,
The fear from a rape,
The anger in homicide,
The smell makes him gape,
From a camp built for genocide,
Children are sold,
For bags of crack,
And I am so bold,
To ask what I lack,
So if you ask me where has God gone,
He's been ignoring you for years,
He probably has other things to focus on,
And can't see you past His tears.
Pulling up driftwood dull and brittle,
The bows crack as easy as the waves,
Soaked with a thousand madmen spittle,
The maps reads: Here there be dragons,
magic, adventure, gold and more.
Should have known the sea of madness,
Never yields what you've come to it for,
This treacherous sea has no answers,
Grey haze blocks the sky serene,
Set sail for calmer waters,
To find the stars of which you're keen,
Surely if there are answers,
To anything they're in the sky,
Always seeming just beyond reach,
To those who never learned to fly,
Prometheus brought men the god's flame,
He was punished as if a vandal,
Hermes will you be punished too?
If you grant mere men winged sandals?
To dance on cloud; make love with stars,
To bathe in moonlight and sun,
Just beyond a cloud not far,
Mankind and love are one.
Use everything we have to become what we should be?
Take the effort to do what you could do?
The world owes us nothing,
And we don't owe it,
I'm satisfied with a smile,
And people to show it,
At using my potential,
I've never been the best,
But at living simply,
I've passed that small test,
No car to be found,
Work a shit job,
Try to mug me,
There's nothing to rob,
Learned a lot,
Information is free,
Mean little to me,
So if you're light in your pocket,
But heavy in soul,
No need to say sorry,
You have a different goal.
But the dream was one day that he'd want something,
A reason to be alive and roll out of bed,
A simple point to focus all the thoughts in his head,
A way to pass the time,
He just puts it into rhyme,
A mountain he can climb,
A simple way of life,
Not something divine,
A way to cross the line,
To accomplish something more than nothing would be just fine,
Because fine is a way we forget how to feel,
Always question others motives or our sex appeal,
We appeal and kneel to something much bigger,
Pleading for a reason to not pull the trigger,
To a figure much bigger; something like God,
Someone to spoil the child and spare the rod,
I believe there's something out there but feel quite odd,
Because all they seem to do is smile and nod,
On that old token of fear,
A fear of whatever queer thing brought us here,
This isn't christian propaganda not even near,
So all you silly zealots can hold your cheers,
The sensation from faith seems akin to masturbation,
A long-term shame with short-term elation,
Each one our own way of reaching for salvation,
Masturbation or salvation we're just coming to terms,
That one day we'll all be food for worms,
But there's one thing for which everyone yearns,
A way to pass the time until the world burns,
Yearn then burn,
Each in turn,
No easy way of knowing if we'll ever learn,
If the injustice of the world makes your stomach churn,
In about 100 years it won't be your concern,
So enjoy your time not just your faith,
You can worship Shiva, an amoeba, or Bobcat Goldwraith,
But life's right here come and have a taste,
Find a good way to put your time to waste.
That burns with a touch,
If said too much,
Sometimes the worst,
Dive in headfirst,
But not too tight,
And it will take flight,
Nothing as fickle,
Nothing as strange,
Nothing as hard to mend,
Always a sickle,
Waiting down range,
To bring it to an end.
just a simple man trying to cope,
live a simple life at the end of my rope,
It would probably be easier to just elope,
But running away isn't my style,
rather put up with some shit than turn the dial,
try to be pleasant but all the while,
end up missing the target by about a mile,
most people just don't see the love,
that I have to push away when it comes to shove,
acting like I do doesn't fit like a glove,
defensive about offensive things I'm not proud of,
But such is life, c'est la vie,
and maybe I'll never even find the key,
the key i need to make people understand me,
Just so tired of trying to be what I can't be.
Why do you worry?
Just to fill the space not consumed by fury?
To keep up with a life you live in a hurry?
Is the judgment of your peers like facing a jury?
Heard luck is a lady but never been to bed with her,
Need wisdom from the wise men not gold and myrrh,
Have a hard-taught sickness and there is no cure,
Where are your thoughts?
Where did you hide them?
You need to find them to know what’s inside them,
You’re never gonna find them at the end of a crack stem,
Or deep in the folds of your mother’s dress hem,
Own your life,
Don’t own a life that’s rife with strife,
Try not to end up at the end of a knife,
Stop your worry and you'll die old with a wife.
My past, my present, and impending doom.
There is a creature hanging from my wall,
Its name is mirror and I don’t like it at all,
There is a bed but I lay on the floor,
Since she left I don’t use it anymore,
There is a picture hiding in my desk,
Of a time when I didn’t feel as grotesque,
There are memories stewing in my brain,
Some filled with joy but more with pain,
There is a hunger here in my soul,
Trying its best to fill in the hole,
There are many things I hold close to my heart,
All of those things are tearing me apart.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Passing through life with my passion impaired,
Need to find a way to keep my attention ensnared,
Maybe then my soul can be repaired,
Well when’s the last time I gave a fuck?
Felt a reason to move without making a buck,
So here’s the ladder out this rut where I’m stuck,
And the rungs are rather shabby so wish me luck,
My head is in the clouds because my feet are on a mountain,
To escape the shit the world’s been spoutin’ like a fountain,
If I listen real close I can still hear them shoutin’,
You better follow me because the tide is mountin’,
Don’t wish I was dead just want to live in my head,
Forget the infection that continues to spread,
Of fear and hate and horror and blood running red,
Even choking on the vile bile of things that I’ve said,
Life isn’t defined by the things that you’ve bought,
How many passes you’ve caught, or the men that you’ve fought,
After enough time all these equal to naught,
What matters in the end is the love that you’ve wrought,
I’m a poet and I know it’s a waste of time,
Preaching to the deaf with every rhyme,
Any dollar scholar knows the world is never sublime,
Just going through the motions like a simple minded mime,
But I’m giant, self reliant, with a heart too big.
Compliant or defiant still doing a jig,
Judge all you want don’t care a feather or fig,
Bring all the petty insults that you can rig,
Cuz like most nerds I’m good with words,
But never shy or fly away like scared little birds,
Or little miss muffet with her whey and curds,
I’d fry the spider with my lighter and ask for thirds,
Cuz fear is for people with something to lose,
I don’t got no woman or blue suede shoes,
If you’re lost too well here’s the good news,
Any path is now open for you to choose,
So here’s to the fools and the hard-headed mules,
The clowns with frowns and self-righteous tools,
I’ve been with you all and never thought I was cool,
Like the only kid in town with an in-ground pool,
I’m eloquent; it’s evident, with a small speech imp-p-p-pediment,
Have a spotty past but here it’s irrelevant,
In the city of evil, yeah I’ve been a resident,
Got too much dirt to be elected president,
So if you’re looking for a leader you won’t find one here,
So find yourself a guy that’s not holding a beer,
There’s something about authority I find quite queer,
Like how so many cowards can rule through fear,
Got an iron will and time to kill,
Got a hole in my heart that I’m looking to fill,
If you’re selling a solution just send me the bill,
So I can stop reaching for every cheap thrill,
Our flamboyancies, eccentricities, and all together dickeries,
Our moralities, principalities, and diverging realities,
All these things have shown me our dualities,
And saddest of all, our depressing finalities,
But these few views can skew too,
When everything you knew is proven untrue,
When you feel there’s nothing you can do in a world so blue,
And you might have bitten off more than you can chew,
So open up your eyes and cue the sighs,
Take a look around and spot the lies,
I hope you guys can sympathize,
Just sitting here waiting for hell to rise.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Fire in our veins scorch them black as dread,
Black isn't sorrow it's just an absence of color,
Darkness where we once lit torches for each other,
Well if I'm not burning bridges I'm poking ashes,
Securing myself down just to cut the lashes,
We toss and turn in our sleep because the earth is still moving,
Though we stopped screaming so I guess we're improving,
Not everything makes sense in life and art,
Just keep making moves and playing the part,
Self doubt seems to swell like a cancer in the brain,
Pressing on the centers of pleasure and pain,
There's too much time to worry when you're sitting still,
Every person can find a hole that they are desperate to fill,
They say stress is an enemy but I call it friend,
No problem in my heart being busy can't mend.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Just can't get her aim right,
The bright muzzle flashes in the night are ruining her eyesight,
Her heart succumbed to frostbite,
Turned it black as midnight,
So she keeps it locked up tight away from the sunlight,
The chill of the world stole her warmth and kindness,
Can't tell enemies from friends in this night-blindness,
She tears friends apart in bouts of fear,
Holds poison to her heart and calls it dear,
A song is the only language she can understand,
But sorrow sings a sweet tune while holding out its hand,
She's stubborn to a point that's bad for her health,
Doesn't take advice unless she's thought of it herself,
I can't save her because I'm the same,
Hold my pride too high to let others lay claim,
So I keep my distance and watch her troubles grow,
Wait for the instance she allows her heart to show,
I'll see if it resembles the one I used to know,
But my frostbitten queen may have thawed long ago,
Its been too long since I've peered through the snow,
I had no way to know that my own cold heart would thaw so slow.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Wash off the filth,
But can't rinse off the shame,
A twitch in the spine,
A pain in the back,
From this monkey he just cant tame,
Looking for a pearl,
A pearl of wisdom,
Formed from all this sand,
But the feelings rush out,
Roar like a river,
In a language he can't understand,
Go for high ground,
Climb up a mountain,
Just to escape the flood,
Tumble back down,
Dragging his knees,
Until they're covered in blood,
The wading fool,
Puts on his red nose,
Oh what a funny clown,
The paint on his face,
smears so comically,
As he struggles not to drown,
Grab at a raft,
To stay above water,
In the shape of a white pill,
On board is a man,
Who can speak to rivers,
He tutors the fool in the skill,
The water lowers,
To where he can stand,
Leave his raft behind,
The fool asks the river,
Why it's so angry,
Always flooding his mind,
"you dam me up tight,
and the water builds,
instead of letting it flow,
Dulling your mind,
With liquid courage,
Just to put on a show,
Do you think you can,
Just feel nothing,
With such a big heart?
Dancing on tables,
With your belled hat,
While your soul is falling apart?
You're not a clown,
You never will be,
That's just how you like to play,
You can bottle me up,
Pretend I'm not here,
But I'll flood you again someday."
Monday, February 6, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Our rights in tatters,
Our freedom vanished,
Where no vote matters,
With free speech is banished,
Now allowed to detain,
Torture and beat,
To make us refrain,
From taking the street,
The land of the free,
The home of the brave,
Gives us degrees,
To line our graves,
What is the point,
When you can't find a job,
And we only appoint,
Politicians who rob,
Sneak with their bills,
And their souls so black,
Getting their thrills,
Sticking knives in our back,
Now every blue collar,
Has a back dyed red,
As they take every dollar,
Every dime 'til you're dead
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Should have been a painter,
Showed you the view,
I wish everyone knew,
Should have been a painter,
And used my hope,
Tied it to a canvas,
With some two-ply rope,
Should have been a painter,
And hung them all,
Should've had a dreamscape,
On every wall,
Should have been a painter,
But I never could be,
And words can't express,
What I really see
Sunday, December 4, 2011
There's not a lot for a poet to give,
Just some thoughts on how to live,
Living in your head is all good fun,
But heads in the clouds don't get things done,
Enjoy the beauty of here and now,
You can see miracles if you just know how,
There's a whole wide world,
Some good some bad,
Avoid the shallow,
Embrace the mad,
When did individuality,
Turn to eccentricity,
We only step from the line,
To get publicity,
Enjoy your life,
Put all of those inhibitions,
Up on the shelf
Monday, September 19, 2011
No need to fight,
With nail and tooth,
My cell phone is charged,
My computer is new,
Why don't those Ethiopians,
Just get one too?
Into my clothes,
Why should I care?
That's just how it goes,
Got better things to do,
Than vote or protest,
Catch up on Jersey Shore,
And buy Snooki's new vest,
Surely we are blessed,
Those of us here,
In a state of ignorance,
With nothing to fear.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
There is but one time for me,
and that time is night,
Nothing better to see,
Than the star's bright light,
Chills on my spine,
From winds unseen,
Blink of a firefly,
Like a flash of citrine,
The cool dark grass,
Collecting it's dew,
Have to lay down,
Run my fingers through,
Look up to the sky,
Wonder what it means,
To be alive,
To have these dreams,
Like I haven't in years,
Stare at the stars,
At all of God's tears.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
There's a lot of things I want to see,
There's a lot of things I want to do,
There's a lot of things I want to be,
There's a lot of things I wish I knew,
There's a lot of things,
In this big wide world,
To be unfurled,
Make a life,
Filled with these things,
Make it an experience,
The whole world sings,
Appreciate those moments,
The big and the small,
There's a lot of things,
But I want them all.
Monday, June 13, 2011
The wise man.
I am all of these things, full of my own contradictions. My own strengths, my own weaknesses; but these things are my own. Thus, these things are me. While none of it is special, these layers are what defines us. The mixture, the primordial ooze of emotion, experience, and character. This is the soul. Sometimes filled with a bright light, only to be thrown back into darkness again. The layers and how you pull them together in your own way is what is unique. A point of view like no other. No, not a brilliant single snowflake, set apart from the rest, but a mutation of the same core. This beginning, this base, is surely the reason why we feel so connected.
We shape each other, and have a need inside to add a layer of ourselves to other people. To shape them into a fitting piece of the puzzle that is our lives. We may not get along, you might loathe and reject my layer, but had your layers formed differently in life we could have been the best of friends. The same is true for friends, had they been formed in a different condition we could have been the worst of enemies. So you may hate me, misunderstand me, hurt me, but I will always try to see what is inside. I will not judge your imperfections. I will love you at your core, for the core of us all is the same. Even if I shout hurtful words, throw fists, or shut you out, (as I am not perfect either) I will try my best to understand you. To marvel at the intricacies of the human condition. I invite you to do the same.
We might perceive each other as ugly, cruel, greedy, terrible, imperfect; but can you imagine a world without imperfection? Of a sameness that bound us all together in a perfectly formed puzzle? No debates, no pain, no conflict.. Without these things the good in life loses its meaning, its value.
I have dwelt on it, and it seems so terribly dull.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
But only if you care,
Have no time for the drama queens,
The expectations that they share,
You have to find the good in things,
We all have our scars,
Hatred is a cage for love,
You just have to break the bars,
I don't think I am better than you,
Even if you think you are,
I'll try my best to wear your shoes,
But may not walk as far.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Why do all of these drones in our government and upper class wonder why we are all so fucked up all the time? It's because we can't stand the shit they make us wade through. Unbeknownst to them, their shit really does stink. I tried to write a senator recently about the budget. It was a long and eloquently worded letter, without any cuss words. (even though I wanted to use a few) Also polite and respectful. But what did I get?
Guess what I got...
A reply back! From a fucking desk jockey! It was filled with polite politically correct jargon but this about sums it up:
I didn't even read your letter because you're a fuckhead. I don't care about what anyone in my state says because I'm busy sucking off big business. Have a nice day.
P.S. Go fuck yourself."
Today's world is great isn't it? Everybody knows that they can't make any difference so we just all stare and wave at them with glazed eyes as they keep shitting on us. Waiting to drown.
Oh wait, that's not great. It's fucking terrible.
We're slaves with blue collars and bottles of meds. (for those who can afford them)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Although the world is a disgusting, terrible place, you have to try to find the little bits of good in everybody. If you consider the thousands of random events that led to them being what they are, you cannot judge them for their trespasses. Some are deviant and beyond hope, such as violent killers and rapists, but not all. The crack head you ignored on the subway could have been you if you had lived their life. There is no way of knowing if you could have taken the same hardships any better. So why treat yourself as some superior being? You do not have to feel sorry for them, but to forget that they were born as an ordinary person is denying their humanity and treating them as a different species all together. Beneath the crack pipe and 7 layers of stolen clothing is a person, believe it or not. Had they been in your shoes, maybe they wouldn’t have ended up this way. But alas, the only way they have ever managed to walk in your shoes is by stealing them.
There’s a strange sadness around the streets. The hobo sleeping in his own whiskey vomit, the prostitute covered in bruises, the crack head stealing a radio, you have to wonder; is this what the future is really like? What has the world done to these people? No hope, given up on pride a long time ago. They don’t flinch as others treat them like animals, because they’ve grown accustomed. Nothing but apes begging for bananas from their cages, taught to perform for their rewards. Even if a call-girl has a black eye she’ll smile for a customer. No matter how much she wants to cry. That’s dedication.
So next time you look at one of these people, don’t think of them as a pest, but a talented performer. They were born and raised to live the low life, getting dragged through by the dick. Every bum you don’t make eye contact with, every poor girl you pick up for a wild night, these moments pass us by. But after we leave they keep on living, desperate and alone, as the rest of humanity’s personal freak show.
Friday, March 25, 2011
The people at my job vary tremendously. Old and young, angry and kind, but forever joined by the middle class. Some are zombies for sure. Completely loathsome of where they are in life. Cursing the god and the crack that have put them there. But amongst the people that have been there for 30 years are those who live in complete ignorant bliss of a world that has forgotten them. They've accepted that sometimes this is all life has to offer. Which is a sad comment, but a truthful one. They carry on their small worlds with the people they've known their whole lives and are truly happy for it. Beauty doesn't always come wrapped in success.
A few of these zen-like folks have served hard time. Prison must alert people to how good a normal life is. We're all so caught up in our dreams we forget that simple people make the world go round. During my time at boot-camp I learned to appreciate the true value of simple things. A chair to sit in instead of a concrete floor. A long hot shower. (and the best part.. ALONE!) These little things that everyone takes for granted. Take the time to go without. So you can really appreciate what you have. You don't have to spend time in the slammer or join the military, just live a spartan lifestyle. Or just cut yourself off from one thing that you use everyday. Hell, try shitting in the woods. It sucks.
The people who understand appreciating simple things the most are those close to death. To be dying is the ultimate form of freedom. Terminally ill have the freedom to say what they wouldn't normally say. Do things they would never have done before. What's the difference when you could die tomorrow? This is the best reason I can find for nobody to ever kill themselves. After my own run in with a dull razor and a sad attempt at offing myself I realized something. I'm wasting my golden ticket! I can face life with absolutely no inhibitions. I could walk down the street butt ass naked if I want to. You can only hope to stop me before I'm dead. I don't care what your reason is, you're down, life has been going shitty, love life is in shambles, or you're just bored with it. You should always embrace the fact you can at least burn out in the best of ways. Without the fear of death the world is an adventure.
Climb a mountain. Tell people who make your everyday life hell to go fuck themselves.
Do whatever, whenever you want.
Because it's better than doing nothing.
Monday, February 7, 2011
So, as per usual, I'll give you some shitty poetry to tide you over. This pretty much explains my mind right now.
I often ponder,
Why my mind seems to wander,
Instead of doing it's job,
Like an attic full of shit,
And I can't get out of it,
No matter how hard I turn the knob,
So I'll sit on the floor,
And ignore the stuck door,
No real need to fret,
Then I'll look through these piles,
Full of memories and smiles,And others I'd rather forget.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Or as a more flamboyant person would put it..
We seem to be moving towards a society of downers hooked on drama. Everybody is on edge.
Strange that you take downers to relieve the stress from all the downers in our day to day lives.
Now let's point some fingers! Who's to blame for all of this bullshit? I'll tell you who, everyone. Seems people need to feed into fitting in nowadays to not be trampled on by the fake whores of life. Some may have their own tastes but choose to keep it hidden in case of, "omg wat if she hurrs this and thinks I'm super lame?".
This is why I do not only blame the fake whores, as disgusting and loathsome as they may be, because it's the general populous who even cares what they are saying. I can't walk through a local mall and not instantly despise everything I'm hearing. These younger ones I see loitering around Hot Topic will usher us into the new world order of giving a shit what brands and bands you like. Go ride a fucking bike or something, and not just to say, "I'm pretty good at bmx on my Whateverbrandisinrightnow." Nobody does anything for fun anymore, it's for recognition. I also blame the same pussy parents I have mentioned before. These kids will do just about anything to not be teased by some skank that half the school has banged so their parents give them all of this new shit to keep up with the times. Even the youngest children are being paraded around in name brand clothes because "Well I don't want the other parents to think we are scum bags." Kids get picked on. Teaching them to shield themselves by stripping away their individuality is why we have this problem. They aren't being taught to shrug off life's downers and drama queens.
Since WHEN did it come to needing an Iphone and a fucking North Face to be considered "less than scum"?
HOW the fuck did you people let this trend of atrocities on our fellow man happen?
Now that I've finished ranting on the aesthetics, let's move on to the meat of the subject. A drama queen as you may know, is one who delights in conflict. My main concern however is not the existence of said drama queens, but with the rising population of them. I mean I see how getting put down by this high school hierarchy bullshit can be stressful, but what happened to friendship? A good friend is someone you can punch the night before and patch shit up with the next day, without all of your personal information and secrets you've shared being aired to everyone in the mean-time out of spite. With the rise of technology it seems the true friend thing is going out of style. Being connected with everyone all the time makes it harder to treasure your friends. These drama queens will go by picking up person after person only to keep some weird love-hate relationship with them until they get bored and throw them away like a used tissue. Seems everyone is quick to throw a punch or a shitty comment someone else's way even if the matter is trivial because people are expendable. Airing all of your little squabbles over your social networking sites so more people can join into your stupid, pointless arguments. Speaking of which, why do these people add each other if they hate each others guts so much? Obviously, just to fight. They need that attention that completely destroying some poor assholes image would bring them. They need to feel powerful, because they are weak minded.
So stop giving a shit what assholes you know said about you, or "getting respect".
Respect is a lost art to us. Trying to earn it from every douchebag you trip over will only erase who you are.
These people will keep an eye on every little detail about you, just to tear you apart.
So be you, fuck the naysayers. You get a lot more out of life when you aren't worried about being perfect all the time.
Monday, January 3, 2011
A natural drive for their ambition.
What separates the successful from the normal are their opportunities given to them by others and their will.
A strong, carefree, will allows you to be happy during the transitional periods of your life, but a strong will coupled with high expectations for yourself can be crushing. You must always strive for your dreams, but do so with the concept that you may fail. Not everyone is given the best odds. All you can do is hold in there and hope your opportunity arises. What these people judging themselves must realize is that there is nothing wrong with being normal. You can push, and strain for a goal and never have it come to realization. Maybe not because you don't possess the skill, but because you have never thought of the fact that we don't all get lucky and the world runs on average Joes. Pounding out paychecks for just enough to live and get by with an average life. One must never, ever, give up on what they think they are meant for, but to focus on only that is naive and self-appreciating. Sure you feel like this is your time, your place of purpose, but so does everyone else. Don't go putting yourself down every time you fail. Failure is to be shrugged off, not mourned over. Being angry with yourself only makes you not want to try anymore. Or it makes you try so hard you lose focus on the rest of life.
If you feel disgusted with yourself, or ashamed, then you need to throw away your pride. What makes you better than anyone else stuck in the same place as you? Sure you may be smarter, maybe better looking, more physically in shape, but on life's playing field luck is the usual decider of the game. The luck of the draw at that, because most are born into their social and financial settings.
And for those who absolutely have the means to do great things but would be happier being average, be average. Stop living up to everyone else's expectations, or even your own. Live up to the expectation that you will be happy. You don't have to be successful to live happily. You just have to be alive and doing what you want to do. Or at least pursuing it. Doing what you hate will just make you stop caring about life at all.
Take your little moments out of life and hold them tight. Because you really aren't all that special.
There's a couple million more of you, thinking the same thing.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
But since I'm too tired to write what I feel in complex words today, I'll leave you with a short poem until I have collected myself.
A man can dream,
That's what they say,
But sometimes we dream,
Our whole lives away,
When you hide in your head,
Nothing seems real,
You forget to stand up,
And say what you feel,
We're a society of cynics,
Our spirits broken,
Taught to obey,
Our minds unspoken,
We expect the worse,
So that's what we get,
But I cant help but feel,
A bit of regret,
That although we dream,
We don't do what's right,
We don't run to the streets,
And put up a fight,
We cried in disgust,
At Tienanmen Square,
But when the fight's here,
No one seems to care,
Because our glass is half empty,
We've been molded without knowing,
To take the shit that's fed to us,
Forget the cards they aren't showing,
So we all have to learn,
To fill up our cup,
To fight for whats right,
Please wake up.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Everyone owns everything. Since when did people get the right to "own" places? You can't go hunt for your food anymore. No more gathering wild plants to eat. You can do these things in a controlled manner but you'll always have to pay someone.
As you read this there are people you don't even know deciding how you should live your life. Abide by their "laws". People should be born into a world where they can do whatever they please with their own bodies or lives. Like animals.
We had to start like animals. We were animals. I believe in laws just as much as the other man but I believe those laws should only govern unjust acts. If you rape a girl you get your ass beat and possibly killed. If you kill a man be ready to be killed yourself. But if I want to walk down into the woods and live there why do you have to know about it?
But you can't marry someone of your own sex or pump yourself with drugs legally in most places. You can't just find a nice spot and make it your home for the night. You can't be free to live in a world where you just live like a normal animal. People are forced to register themselves and live in the human world.
I never signed up to live in this world. Why do I have to listen to your rules?
Can't we just make things simple again?
Can't I just get a place where no one will bother me for taxes or land permits?
Can't people just.. live anymore?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Like all they focus on is the bad in life and whatever little thing happened to them this week.
I feel a bit embarrassed mentioning it because I've been that way before. Hiding in my cave, refusing to see anything but anguish. At some point your spirit breaks, and you give in to depression. The people that refuse to move past this point in their lives irk me. At some point you should learn to move past all the bullshit life has handed you. Sometimes it's time to stop being sad and start being awesome.
If you do nothing but sit alone in the dark weeping, nothing will ever get better. Don't focus on the past so much. Or life's problems. Live for a moment. A moment where you can smile and relax for a second. If you collect enough of these tiny moments life doesn't start to hurt so bad. You're just waiting for your next moment. Or you can take a different approach and totally cash in. New job, new city, new everything. Sometimes you just need a restart.
Just say "Fuck it."
You can change what you can, but sometimes life deals you a shitty hand.
Get used to it and keep placing your bets.
You'll never win anything folding every hand.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I don't mean Superman either.
(well, maybe Batman)
Many people have heroes that they look up to. Aspire to be like. While there's nothing wrong with setting goals I wonder if this is really a good method of doing so.
You should look at people and respect them for their accomplishments, but to consider anyone a hero is null. We are all human. We all have flaws. You should always aspire to be the best version of you. Not somebody else.
Emulating another person isn't so bad, but you must look at the person that you are emulating as a normal figure. No one is all knowing, and you have to go about your own way to get a different perspective on your chosen field. Change is created with a collective of several varied minds. They may have a similar goal, but reaching for it can always be done in a different way.
You can always improve on another person's legacy and make it your own.
You should respect a person for what they do. Good for the world, themselves, and their fellow man. But as a person, you should see them as a normal person.
Not a god-like figure capable of things beyond your reach.
Because after all, you are human too.
There's no Superman here. We have to look at the world and change it with our own hands. So put your best foot forward and go make your own legacy.
You may not be the man of steel, or have a kick ass butler named Alfred, but neither do all the people you've called heroes over the years.
Make your theme song. Get your costume.
Go kick life's ass.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Put simply, after a long hiatus and some good times experiencing life I'd like to dive into blogging again. Sorry for the delay, but we all need to recharge once and awhile.
Even if you retain your normal life, sometimes it's better to cut most ties over the internet and phone to just sit back and enjoy the present. If you don't have someone to talk to, find someone new. Don't text some old asshole you've had a million talks with before. Why not go places, meet people, and just let loose? Go find some strangers to swap stories with. You'll be surprised that not only you and your friends lead "interesting" lives. Even an old enemy can become a good friend as you change over the years. Those years of being separated through hatred couldn't have been so boring that you couldn't share a story or two over a beer.
So even if I am going to start writing again, I want you to stop for a moment. Stop and think about it seriously. Do you need a break from the norm? If you do, then stop reading my fucking blog and don't recharge your phone. So you can recharge yourself.
Shutting down in 3..
Friday, July 9, 2010
I’m not saying to abandon your children. I’m not saying to not show them love. But let them make mistakes. It is only natural to protect your child but they need time to themselves as well. They need to be pelted with dodge balls or maybe get in a little trouble. Getting detention makes them learn how to be responsible, and that there are always consequences. Getting tackled will make them shrug off the little pains in life, and make them force their way through with their own strength next time. A dodge ball hurts less than a punch from a stranger on a drunk night. Detention is nothing compared to going to prison. Failing a class sucks a lot less than losing your job for being lazy. These are all valuable lessons.
Trying to ride on their backs and guide them all the time is only teaching them that someone will always be there to help them. They need to find their own strength and wisdom sometimes. But never completely abandon them or they may turn out worse than desired.
You need only a sperm and an egg to create a child. You need strength and wisdom to create a man. But those who are left to find that wisdom and strength on their own, may become the best of men, or the worst monsters.
Friday, June 25, 2010
All I’ve been witness to lately is terrible things. In the newspapers, the television, and the internet, I see nothing but horrible acts. I find times like these are best spent with the handful you know that have fire in their eyes. Terrible things are changed when people with fire in their eyes work together. These people forge on when the zombies watch television. People who have found a purpose for themselves.
I just want to see happier people these days. Everything is so gloomy. So go look for a purpose, or something that truly means something to you. Go crazy and just do something! Resuscitate yourselves! I just want to feel like I’m amongst the living again.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I wonder what people think these days about it.
Life is filled with beautiful moments and depressing ones. Unfortunately the latter can sometimes build so it makes you not appreciate those other moments as much. There are those who try to hide from life to avoid those melancholy moments. These people just grind away at life avoiding situations that may end badly. They never take chances and in my opinion, never truly live. What do you think? Does a life of solitude and not caring if you live or die count as life at all? I’d rather take the risk and experience the ups and downs. Love, hate, war, peace, depression, happiness, friends, and enemies, I’ll take them as they come.
Even in this dark world you have to try to carve out your own happiness. You have to try to see the beauty in everything and never let a bad moment stop you from trying again. Never give up on the things that you love because of the risk involved.
People often ridicule those who choose to live short and explosive lives. I find the risk takers are the most interesting and most fulfilled people I have ever met. Although sometimes situations end in tragedy, there is no reason to avoid them. Live your life to the fullest with all your heart and even if you die when you are young, you will have no regrets.
If you enjoy smoking do it if you please. If you want to go skydiving go for it. If you want to fight for what you believe in against impossible odds, I believe you have all the right in the world. It’s your life, live it how you want to. Also, stop trying to hold onto people. I believe in educating others on the dangers of all these things, but I will never tell them not to do it. For example, if I am smoking a cigarette and someone tells me I should quit, it annoys the hell out of me. I’m aware of the risks, but I choose to do it anyways. I’d rather enjoy myself than live a buttoned-down, boring, safe life.
Now stop trying to save everyone and let them do as they please.
Life is too sweet to go wasting it on being careful.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Why are you reading this?
Why aren't you out doing something?
Something that will make you feel good about yourself?
You could be seeing things, meeting people, but here you are reading this bullshit.
Go on an adventure.
Take a flight with fate.
Wherever your feet may take you.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I'm a common reminder of those kids you once knew,
The ones back in high school whose maturity never grew,
Really smart but no one expected much,
Rumor is his mind's a bit out of touch,
A joker in person,
A fighter at heart,
Writing down curse words,
And calling it art,
Reciting his works,
He reads to an empty hall,
They don't bother to listen,
They don't know him at all.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I dwell on the things I want to be, what I want to do.
I feel like there's an ocean of things that I have to say, yet I find it difficult to find a way to relate it to the masses.
I feel that in this world of petty views I am too abrasive to get my opportunity.
I view myself as a generally bad person, in certain aspects.
I am difficult to handle, but I like to think there is some good in there.
I generally want to help people but have no idea how.
I always wanted to be a writer, it's my passion.
I write and feel my audience is too small.
I want a wider scale to things.
I want my golden ticket.
I can't focus much anymore, my mind races.
I know I don't focus on my life much in this, but after all it is a blog.
I hope I haven't bored you.
I just wanted to take a moment and reflect on myself.
I hope you'll take a moment and reflect on yourself too.
Friday, February 26, 2010
I enjoy helping people so I enjoy these talks, yet it has its own hilarity to it. I have a strange bearing in life where I'm allowed to say almost anything to anyone (no matter how vulgar) and I get a free pass. Am I some sort of new-age guru? I sit here in my cheap jeans, stoned out of my mind and contemplating life, and people see me as a wise man. An old hermit who lives in the woods. People walk through the forest and up a mountain to hear me speak, but no one would choose to live the way I do.
This is why I don't understand why people drag personal lives into politics. As long as it does not conflict with their duties, who says a person can't be a good leader just because they have a soft spot for prostitutes? Stop looking at petty shit and look at the real issues you morons. The choices you make now affect the lives of your children.
Just because someone waves God in your face and has decent "christian morals" doesn't mean they are better suited for leadership than a homosexual or someone who follows a different religion. Look at how they'll treat the school system or the rise of unemployment in your country. If you type in "nys" to google its first recommended (most searched) is "nys unemployment". I know at least my country needs some improvement, and I'm willing to look to anyone qualified. No matter what age, gender, race, religion, or sexual preference.
So I will finish this post, before I go on a politcal rampage and spew a bunch of shit that you do not care about. But, I want to leave you this lesson. Just because they don't have the same views doesn't make them bad at what they do. If you take anything I write to heart, and take my advice, then you should know that.
Because I sure as hell have never met anyone with the same views as me.